Welcome to Not All Americans
Are Stupid, the website that just won't go away.
It looks like the article in
the last update, urging
Americans to vote for Bush, tipped the balance in his
favour. After all, he only won by about the same number
of votes as the site gets visitors each week - so when he
finally brings the country down around his ears, it will
be good to know this site contributed in some small way.
It seems there is always a
fresh wave of indignant Americans eager to be morally outraged
by anyone who dares find fault with Uncle Shame, and the
e-mails continue to come in. A selection of the best irate
American responses can be seen in the updated Dumb
America awards.
Unfortunately, due to the huge
volume of traffic on the site, the web hosts had to move
it to a different server, and in the process all of the
data for the quiz, counters, and forums was lost. However,
the final average of the 500,000 entries showed Americans
behind by about half a point. So America came a respectable
second in the contest, which is impressive considering that
the quiz was in a language which is unfamiliar to most of
them.
The quiz has been back online
for a few weeks now, and and it looks like the Americans
are losing again. I've had a lot of e-mails from disgruntled
Americans, complaining that the quiz is unfair because the
questions are not American enough - I suspect its the questions
on culture which are causing the problem. So the quiz has
now been altered to give Americans more of a chance - try
the quiz with the new questions and we'll see if it
helps.
This update is long overdue,
but thanks to all those Americans who have written to express
their outrage. I am always overjoyed to receive your correspondence,
especially when you manage to form one or more complete
sentences - though I try to remind myself that the many
of you who are only able to manage a pithy "fuck
u limey as-hole" do at least speak from the heart,
for all your precarious grammar.
Of course, many people have
written in support as well. There isn't room to quote everyone,
but Ricko N. writes from Sydney to say
"I just want to congratulate
whoever typed up this site. It is so on the money its not
funny. You seriously have a way with words."
Thanks Ricko. At least I know I can visit one colony
without being lynched. Anne H. also writes to ask when the
next update is, and says "I
am afraid I agree with you. I will never forgive my Canadian
mother for getting her American citizenship".
Here's the update Anne, and I hope you manage to make it
back across the border before the queues get too long.
One of my favourite e-mails
came last week from 'Kim'. In response to the advice about
emigrating on the quiz, she writes
"..it's
not that I haven't summoned up the courage to emigrate,
it's that I'm too young to emigrate, only 14...plus,
I have to wait for the next election so I can register,
vote for a democrat, AND THEN emigrate."
Good thinking Kim, and if you
see Anne in the customs queue, take a moment to wave.
'GZangel' also wrote in to compliment
us on the site, and wrote:
You know, you guys rock! I'm a
junior in high school in New York, and I have to say
there are a lot of ignorant people around here. There
is no sanctuary from the utter stupidity of some of
these people! Although I was born and raised an American,
sometimes I really don't understand how this country
continues to exist with total morons running the government.
After visiting several countries in Europe last summer,
my suspicions of a regressing people in America were
completely confirmed. I mean, who else would sue Nabisco
for making them fat, but an American who has no one
but themselves to blame his or her obesity? (That
is referring to obese people looking to remove Oreo's
from the shelves, complaining that the cookies are
the reason they are fat.) Who else would sue McDonald's
because she spilt McDonald's coffee on her lap and
it was hot? Was the woman expecting the coffee to
be cold? And surely if it was, i'm sure she would've
sued McDonald's for serving her cold coffee! Well
I could go on and on about the stupidity of "my
fellow Americans," but I'm sure you guys have
enough of your own fine examples
It is noticeable that many of
the most supportive e-mails come from Americans under the
age of 21. Perhaps this has to do with the effects of Budweiser,
or possibly it just shows what 21 years of bombardment by
Fox News and Oprah can do to the average human brain. Either
way, I do hope GZangel spends enough time in Europe to slow
down the effects. (Though I would stay off those German
beers GZangel - look what they did).
Our old and valued friend 'Bob
the Meek' has also written recently to ask when the forum
will be back online, as have a number of others. So, not
to disappoint our regular readers, they are back up now
for anyone who wants to start posting again.
Finally, at long last, someone
has taken up the challenge to write an
article in support of the USA. Mason Myatt has sent
in a well-argued, informative, article which is carefully
crafted and soundly constructed. Unfortunately, the main
premise of Mason's article appears to be that America is
a country founded on great principles and then roundly fucked
up by the Americans themselves. So not really the best advert
for America then. Mason's article is well worth reading,
and hard to argue with, but it looks like the challenge
is still open.
The Rant
American Cowardice
As President Bush crawls around
the Continent this week, sucking up to various European
leaders, I am once again reminded of the fantasy of American
power. The last time was when they managed to scoop Micronesia
as an ally in the War of Error.
This time Bush is trying
to muster support for a strike on Iran - the other country
to which America has sold weapons which it now realises
can be turned back on them. Unfortunately, in the case
of Iran, they aren't quite ready to start lobbing nukes
around yet - hence the tough talk. On the other hand,
Korea, which can fight back, has nothing to fear - as
vouchsafed recently by decorative security advisor Condoleeza
Rice.
America only seems to stand
up to the bad guys when the bad guys are a pushover. Of
all the countries involved in defeating Hitler, the US
is the only one which likes to boast about the part it
played. Yet the truth is that America only got involved
in WWII after Russia's defeat of Hitler's army in the
East made it a relatively sure bet. When the USSR started
annexing countries in the 50's and 60's, the US was conspicuously
inactive. Once the same countries had become bankrupt
& without the means of putting up a fight, suddenly
the rhetoric was all about spreading democracy again,
and in went the troops.
Colin Powell once made a famous
remark about never having asked anything more than a piece
of land in which to bury their dead. The was shattering
hypocrisy even for the average American policitician.
America's wars have always involved an ulterior motive
- whether it was the race to grab Nazi nuclear secrets,
the need to keep nations weak, or the fear of allowing
the USSR to gain ground, America has only ever committed
troops in order to serve its own interests. And wherever
possible it has used other nations to do its dirty work
for it - as in the case of the Taliban, or the political
and economic machinations which helpde to prolong the
Iran/Iraq war.
Meanwhile, in Iraq today,
America continues struggling to maintain a grip on the
situation. Faced with a handful of unwashed amateurs armed
with little except 30-year-old Kalashnikovs and harsh
language, the American army comes to a bewildered halt.
That's when they usually send off for British troops to
come and tell them what to do.
Though it may be the most
expensive in the world, the US government, and its military,
are certainly not the unassailable force that one would
expect. All one has to do, it seems, is claim to have
the means of hitting back, or wave a credibly sharp stick
for that matter, and it backs off faster than you can
say 'national security'.
I am sure there are many brave
and decent souls in the American army, and I have no wish
to question their integrity here - mainly, I admit, in
case they find out where I live. But the sad truth is
that, collectively, the US military lacks two important
pieces of kit which cannot be bought - a stout heart,
and the moral highground. Small wonder that the US army
has recently announced its plans to produce remotely guided
soldier-robots, which have no need of the former, and
are untroubled by considerations of the latter.
The United States is a cowardly
nation in every respect. In the Second World War, it waited
until it could be sure of victory before committing itself.
In Vietnam it was ultimately defeated by the superior
endurance and disregard for personal consideration of
the Viet Cong. In Afghanistan it let the Taliban do its
dirty work. When it saw Iran and Iraq becoming too strong,
it sold weapons to both sides and encouraged them to fight
each other. Never, in any war, has the US displayed the
merest hint of moral courage. Every man who waded onto
Omaha and Utah was a hero, but their country has never
been anything but cowardly and grasping.
It is the ultimate irony that
the slavish members of such a craven nation should so
wholeheartedly believe the pap which Hollywood churns
out every year, casting them alternately as gallant little
victims or brave heroes saving the day.
The sad fact is that America
- the Uriah Heep of international politics - continues
to go about its cowardly, cunning programme of petty and
short-sighted greed. Pacifying the bullies, picking on
the underdogs, bribing others to do its dirty work. Americans
like to think of themselves as a superpower, but it's
simply a piece of nostalgic wishful thinking. The illusion
of American power is a bluff which has been called in
Iraq, and America's attempts to shore up its critically
damaged image are beginning to make people cringe with
embarrasment. Which leaves us with Mr Bush in Europe,
increasingly damp and cold, shaking hands with anyone
he can...
American Troops Kill Italian Saturday 5th March, 2005 This
story appears in the Guardian today. It's heartening to
see the highly trained US army spreading stupidity in the
unfree world. Of course, it's always much easier to kill members
of your own side in war, because they aren't suspecting it.
It's unfair to criticise Americans for making the wrong decision
when they have only a split second in which to make up their
minds. Let's face it, for most of them it would be pretty
difficult given ten years and prompting by a special needs
coach. Right now, the safest people in Iraq are probably the
insurgents.
I watched this film the other day, and have to say I enjoyed
it. Principally, it is to admitted, because it so graphically
depicts millions of Americans on the receiving end, for a
welcome change. My favourite American movie, of course, is
Pearl Harbour, in spite of the fact that Hollywood managed
to make it look like an American victory.. It strikes me that
America's two main exports are Hollywood and porn. It says
a lot for their culture that what they excel at is fantasy
of one kind or another. Perhaps that's why they are so willing
to believe in Bush.
Proof of American Stupidity Friday 26th February, 2005
Driving home tonight, I heard SandyToksvig on Radio 4 saying
how a large number of Americans think Joan of Arc was the
wife of Noah. I thought it was a joke. But a little research
shows that it is indeed true. 12% of American adults believe
that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife. No doubt they think the
burning bush was Al Qaeda's fault. But the bit I really love
in this article is that 73% of Americans believe the main
message of the bible is that God helps those who help themselves.
The American Tourist Wednesday 26th February. 2005
Last
night I was browsing through The
Water Beetle by Nancy Mitford, when I came across this
piece about American tourists...
The North Americans very
naturally want to get away from North America. They are also
after their their own origins. Although they descend from
people who could not succeed in Europe, and furiously shook
its dust from their feet, they have a sentimental feeling
for ancestors...They also come to shop. Tired of the mass-produced,
synthetic materials, looking like the froth from detergents,
which choke up the Fifth Avenue emporiums, they feel a need
for real lace and linen, anything hand-made, even baskets.
'Look,' I said to an American woman beside me in an aeroplane
over Florence, 'that is the Duomo.' She replied: 'Until what
time do the stores remain open here?'
Not much has changed since the 1960's. Nancy Mitford doesn't
seemto have had a very high opinion of Americans in general.
Easy to see why she is my favourite author.
Coming Soon
Watch out for these new features which will be added very
soon. If anyone wants to organise or write any of them, please
feel free.
Free Dictionaries For Americans
- please give generously to our upcoming charity drive to
provide all 260,000,000 Americans with a free copy of the
Oxford English Dictionary. This will be something of a financial
challenge, but it is impossible to put a price on the gift
of literacy.
War Idol ® - this will be
your chance to vote for the next country to be given freedom
by the US. One country will be voted off each week, until
the final lucky winner gets to be bombed to the ground.
