It's been as difficult as ever to find a winner for the Dumb America Award. The standard of ignorance and stupidity remains consistently high as ever, and makes it a real challenge to single out any one person. After much deliberation, however, an overall winner has been selected, but before we reveal the lucky contestant, some runners-up deserve a special mention.

It seem the belief is as strong as ever, amongst Americans, that English is an American language sloppily adopted by other nations - most notably the British, as 'Bobby' triumphantly crows:

Poor Bobby would probably be surprised to find that we British have been almost fluent in the English language since long before Americans invented the word 'democracy'. (It must always come as a surprise to American tourists to discover that the Greeks have based their alphabet on the US fraternity houses.)

However, Bobby cannot come close to the standard required for Dumb America - since he actually realises that the British do speak English. The same possibly cannot be said for the huge number of Americans who assume that I must be American. Here is a tiny selection from hundreds of e-mails saying much the same thing.

 

you are anti-American and need to get the hell out! -Mike Hancock And you, in your obvious superiority are emigrating ASAP. I hope - John Connolly I'll bet your mother is "SO" proud of you. I'm glad you are not my child. It's to bad that my 2 sons are over in Iraq fighting for heartless Americans like you - Marvin Matherly Keep your crap to yourself and stop spreading this crap. Paid for by the democrats I'm sure. You don't deserve to be read - so I stopped reading. - Julie B. Howard

It seems that, for most Americans, the very notion that anyone speaking English might not actually be American simply never enters into that part of the brain which, in higher life-forms, is referred to as the mind. No doubt they assume that The Office was dubbed for release in the states.

- On the subject of The Office, note the paragraph in the link which says

It's going to be a revelation when all those Americans discover that head-butting your staff is off the agenda. I wonder if they will be ordering copies of Fawlty Towers for the next convention of the American Hoteliers Association . However, I digress..

It is noticeable that Americans seem most confident when they are wrong. As was Pam Thompson when she wrote this concise rebuttal of our answer to the question "Which of these is not a mammal?"

One feels sorry for Pam in so many ways, but particularly because she had actually taken the time to do some research before braving the perils of mental activity. But in true American fashion, when informed of her error, she tried to shift the blame onto someone else

So now we know - American stupidity is the result of all those pesky foreign sites feeding them duff information. Tsk.

RA Fendley was outraged by our Accomplished Liars song, which compared Bush to Hitler. And just to prove that Americans are nothing like Nazis, he sent us this

Funnily enough, the Nazis had rather strong views on appearances too..so no obvious ironies there then.

And now it is time to mention our favourite American, Benjamin Schuppel - also known as Bob the Meek - who wrote to complain about my comments on liberty. Benjamin begins by saying

Such defeatism hardly seems to strike the right opening note, but any sign of self-doubt is an endearing trait in someone from a nation so deluded by its fantasy of self-importance, and I am always disposed towards friend Benjamin. However, our newly struck relationship quickly began to founder when he started to quote my words in such a way as to show that he hadn't actually understood what I said in the first place (no unusual thing, one admits, for an American).

The quotation is mine, the [sic] is Benjamin's. Only an American could insert a [sic] which demonstrates, not an error on the part of the quotee, but a lack of understanding on the part of the quoter. Clearly Benjamin thought that I meant the cost of liberty. After all, that's the usual phrase bandied around American popular culture (for which read history) these days. However, the meaning of words is often more subtle than can be handled by the average American, and in this case not only was the word 'in' very deliberate, but also crucial to the meaning implied. So, for Benjamin's sake, and for all those Americans who can only get through this part of the site with subtitles, the cost of liberty and the cost in liberty are not the same. The former means paying for liberty with something else, the latter means paying for something else with liberty. That most Americans, like Benjamin, are unable to distinguish between the two, is the keystone on which George Bush has built his entire presidency - and it is perhaps not surprising that our friends across the water are cheerfully signing away so many of their civil liberties because that nice man Mr Bush says it will make 'em safer from that there Al Qaeda Bin Laden.

Benjamin has written to me on numerous occasions, and makes no pretence [sic!] about coveting the Dumb America award,

It is true that an award for stupidity would actually put most Americans a cut above their peers, but Benjamin is that rarity - a likeable American - and I have no wish to spoil what could flower into a beautiful cross-cultural relationship by nominating him Dumb American. So - close Ben, but no cigar.

Next up is Baff2@AOL, who has either withheld his name, or is incapable of spelling it. You decide.

Perhaps this is one e-mail which is best enjoyed without commentary.

Another contender for the award who has sensibly chosen not to give their name is Ajf828@aol, who writes in with the old chestnut..

Ajf's imaginative version of the word 'challenged', is more than ironic given the nature of his or her e-mail. It's unlikely to be a typo, given the position of the 'a' and 'e' keys, but I am always eager to give Emaricens the benefit of the doubt, so I confined myself simply to pointing out that 'realise', as all regular readers will know by now, is a British corruption of the original spelling. Unbowed, Ajf replied...

In true American style, Ajf has managed to snatch victory from defeat by the cunning tactic of being defeated, and then claiming it was a victory. Other notable examples of this include Vietnam, Iraq... Syria. Oops. Hang on, that's next update.

Talking of ill-advised wars, Joe Kohen writes

Which just shows that Fox News makes Joseph Goebbels look like a beginner. Presumably Iraq started the war by allowing America to invade them - just as America started hostilities with Japan by letting them attack Pearl Harbour. Note Joe's use of Newspeak here. Most Americans seem only capable of communicating in shorthand or a form of unintentional Haiku, but Joe has barely mastered the human version of Basic. Too bad that running his e-mail would produce nothing but 'Error in line 1'.

Sharon Sandora writes in to ask

Honestly, you couldn't make this stuff up. Can someone tell her why this would not be a good idea in a statistical test? And 'WBC' from Houston (for which one should always make allowances), asserts

Presumably WBC would define checking the dictionary first as being prissily, insolently and tiresomely exact about everything.

Anthony R. King wrote a wonderful e-mail of 1,449 words (I counted), and even managed to group some of them into construable sentences. Anthony R.'s complaint centred primarily around the fact that our quiz is not an unbiased and accurate measure of IQ. And that's not obvious at all. Anthony R. comes across as the sort of person who blinks a lot in direct sunlight - and his e-mail meanders between poorly constructed, laborious attempts at logical argument, and painfully irrelevant waffle. However, some of his choicer moments are worth quoting.

What documentation? We are talking about an Internet quiz game here. Perhaps American university departments use big glowing buttons and sound effects in their academic research programmes, but for most people this side of the Atlantic, the name of the website might have been an indication that the quiz was intended, not as a serious anthropological enquiry into the nature of human intelligence - but mainly as a piss-take. Not so obvious for Anthony R. however, who continues...

Now this had me in stitches. It's funny enough that someone should react in such a stereotypically po-faced manner, but Anthony R. has apparently locked himself away (with the curtains closed one presumes) to approach the quiz scientifically, notepad in hand, 'making sure' to answer the questions exactly the same way, and has made the groundbreaking discovery that...it gives different feedback to Americans and non-Americans! One can just imagine him, like a modern-day Newton or Archimedes, hardly able to believe what he has only dared to imagine. He, Anthony R. King, alone has arrived at this sensational conclusion. Of course, the sad truth in all this is that the quiz actually has become a phenomenally accurate indicator of the general level of American intelligence. Not, admittedly, because it has any statistical validity, but purely because of the general response it has produced. Poor Anthony R., rather than refuting the thesis, has managed to clinch it.

Finally, Anthony R. finishes up by stating,

One feels at this point that Anthony R. has locked himself into an infinite logical loop, like a version of Epimenides' paradox. If I am rude, sarcastic, condescending and arrogant, then I am like an American, which means my comments should be assumed to be as ignorant as an American's, which would mean that those comments would actually become invalid, meaning that actually I would NOT be like an American, which would in turn mean that one could consider my original supposition to be correct..no wait...umm. Phew. This is what happens when Americans are allowed to think without trained supervision. There is only one course open to Anthony R. - revert to type.

And there we have it. After all that, what he really wanted to say was 'you spelled civilization wrong'. This, incidentally, from a man who has just written "20 semi-random timed questions.....do not form the basis for 'intelligence' " and "I scored a 14 as some from elsewhere". America must be permanently filled with the sound of tinkling glass. Ah well, quod erat etc..

Unfortunately for Michael, his is one of at least fifty or so complaining about the scientific validity of our quiz, sent in by people who are incapable of spotting irony. So, while his may be one of the longest, it is not original enough to clinch the award. Anthony R. will receive some consolation from his runners-up prize of a pair of sunglasses.

However, that's enough of those who lost. There were hundreds of others who tried to get their name in print, but there simply isn't room to mention them all.

So without further ado, the Dumb America award for this update goes to the 2.8 million members of the Presidential Prayer Team.

Before you click this link, make sure you are not eating. If this site were in any other country, it would obviously be a spoof, and I assumed it was at first. But after trawling through it, I have to say it actually looks genuine. Genuine, and scary. The kids' section reads like a Hitler Jugend manifesto. Note the 'Give' link - whether this is a request or a command is unclear.

The thing is, Americans really believe in this stuff. 2.8 million of them have signed up to this website alone. Now don't get me wrong - I have nothing against people with spiritual beliefs, and I have every respect for the normal kind of American small-c christian who understands that the bible is not to be taken literally, and that we are not all duty-bound to castrate homos. But the idea that God is going to give an extra boost to George Bush because of a litany of special prayers, concocted by a crazed bunch of Americans who have been out in the Nevada sun too long - phew. So many Americans seem to approach religion like they approach all things - literally, gullibly, and with their wallets (and mouths) slightly open. As an indication of just how stupid American Christians can be, note the warning on the first line www.god.com which has to spell out

Gee - d'you think maybe he's on AOL?

Is there something in the water which makes Americans such easy prey for the kind of con-artist who dons a sky-blue frock, sets up a phoney church and preaches hell-fire while his wife Noelene strong-arms the congregation into donating cash? Never have there been such rich pickings, for the charlatan and the con-man, than in the US. They just lap it up.

Special thanks are due to James Ravenscroft for sending the link to the Presidential Prayer Team. I have to admit I am dying to know more about their views, and I've sent off some questions to them as follows:

If they reply, be sure you will be the first to hear it. In the meantime, if God does surf the net, I'm sure he won't mind me presenting this Dumb America award jointly to all 2.8 million members of the Presidential Prayer Team - with a special mention to all those who actually parted with hard cash. God bless every one of them.